Like steaming piss dripping down the lamp post of life
I am excrement
Stab me in the back with your jagged, filthy knife
Stab me once, twice
Punch in a third to be sure and certain
On one thing you can depend
Is that I surely deserve them
Shout in my face and make it shrill and blatant
Fuck my stupid mind
With everything that is tainted
Screw with my head
And screw with my words
For in screwing me you're giving me
Just what I deserve
Like a black abyss that spirals And descends
I am the worst nightmare
And on that you can depend
Throw me down and cast me in
Push me over
Wave goodbye
Remember the cause of your anger, it is I.
Tuesday, 3 November 2015
Friday, 9 October 2015
I was wrong
My thoughts of you shone, iridescent
Effervescent in glorious song
And I felt how I thought I could never
Empowered by your light
Bound to you, tight
Weakened by your presence, making me strong..
I'd been blind though I'd seen the truth emerging
Surging like waves on barren land, uncouth
Virgin eyes saw for the first time
Coruscating with awe
Fascinated by the show
Basking in the warmth of your you-ness
Unfurling
Sunday, 5 July 2015
Sink or Swim
I was lucky. Right out of the blue I had one of those thunderbolt moments where you just know, without reason or question, that this person was thrown into your life because they needed a permanent place there. It's such a serene feeling to have found a once in a lifetime friend who laughs with you, and can understand what you mean without even having to say a word. The day I met this friend changed my life forever. Not only did they make me happy, but they showed me other new people who in turn made me happy as well. I thought it would always be the case.
What happens if your best friend in all the world does something terrible to you? Something that's so bad that it absolutely cannot and mustn't ever be forgiven. What happens if you somehow find a way to put that terrible thing to one side in order to keep the friend and save yourself the pain of losing them as well? This is what happens...
Tentatively and slowly the friendship got back on track. The days out started again, the nights of beer and laughs and hugs. Everything was swimmingly beautiful and I had begun to realise that I'd made the right decision, that it would all be ok. Days merged into weeks and weeks into months and I felt a whole new regenerated kind of love for my friend; the funny, sweet, thoughtful person that I worried I'd never see again.
I'm not sure at which point it all started to go horribly wrong, or how I was so oblivious to it all. There was never any agenda of relationship and that had been laid bare from the start. Seemingly, that agreement was heard only by myself and I found myself publicly humiliated by a marriage proposal some 2 years after reforming the friendship. Obviously the proposal was rejected and this stung a little. Obviously it was alcohol fuelled and showed itself as a bad idea when he woke the day after..... but it didn't end there.
See what happens if you forgive someone (or rather offer an olive branch, it can't be forgiven) is that the guilt of being forgiven eats them alive. I can't explain my reasons for giving him another chance, except to say that living with several abusive partners previously, I was used to being treated in a certain way and he didn't do anything any worse to me. So he could never believe or understand how I found the clarity to move forward with him still in my life. Sadly, what I did was transmit to him the message that he could now treat me in any way he wanted and do anything to me he saw fit.
As I stared down at my phone screen in horror, I read his text three times
'hope you're happy. I've taken all the tablets I have.'
The most incredibly selfish, thoughtless, chest crushingly painful act of stupidity he could possibly think up. All blamed on me for not loving him in the right way. After deliberating with my conscience I ended up sat holding his hand in hospital. I felt my heart actually snapping inside; stabbing through my chest and rippling excruciating pain through my entire body. Love, sadness, hurt, anger, despair and loss all mixed into one and I could react only with numbness. Even after everything he did to me, I couldn't expel the feelings of love and concern that rattled through the barriers of my brain. I just couldn't believe that he could hurt me any more than he already has.
And now I am lost, broken.
One day out of the past 14 I made it through 24 hours without breaking down at least once. Not sad because he tried to kill himself, not sad because he said cruel things to me at the time. I'm sad because I've lost what I once considered to be my best friend in all the world.
And every morning when I wake, that's all I can think about. I miss hugging him and singing with him, I miss swimming, training and laughing with him. I miss the fact that he actually completely accepted me as a person, no matter what my flaws.
And I'm so, so sad that I deserved to be treated this way after everything.
So if anyone finds my other piece, please could they give it back?
What happens if your best friend in all the world does something terrible to you? Something that's so bad that it absolutely cannot and mustn't ever be forgiven. What happens if you somehow find a way to put that terrible thing to one side in order to keep the friend and save yourself the pain of losing them as well? This is what happens...
Tentatively and slowly the friendship got back on track. The days out started again, the nights of beer and laughs and hugs. Everything was swimmingly beautiful and I had begun to realise that I'd made the right decision, that it would all be ok. Days merged into weeks and weeks into months and I felt a whole new regenerated kind of love for my friend; the funny, sweet, thoughtful person that I worried I'd never see again.
I'm not sure at which point it all started to go horribly wrong, or how I was so oblivious to it all. There was never any agenda of relationship and that had been laid bare from the start. Seemingly, that agreement was heard only by myself and I found myself publicly humiliated by a marriage proposal some 2 years after reforming the friendship. Obviously the proposal was rejected and this stung a little. Obviously it was alcohol fuelled and showed itself as a bad idea when he woke the day after..... but it didn't end there.
See what happens if you forgive someone (or rather offer an olive branch, it can't be forgiven) is that the guilt of being forgiven eats them alive. I can't explain my reasons for giving him another chance, except to say that living with several abusive partners previously, I was used to being treated in a certain way and he didn't do anything any worse to me. So he could never believe or understand how I found the clarity to move forward with him still in my life. Sadly, what I did was transmit to him the message that he could now treat me in any way he wanted and do anything to me he saw fit.
As I stared down at my phone screen in horror, I read his text three times
'hope you're happy. I've taken all the tablets I have.'
The most incredibly selfish, thoughtless, chest crushingly painful act of stupidity he could possibly think up. All blamed on me for not loving him in the right way. After deliberating with my conscience I ended up sat holding his hand in hospital. I felt my heart actually snapping inside; stabbing through my chest and rippling excruciating pain through my entire body. Love, sadness, hurt, anger, despair and loss all mixed into one and I could react only with numbness. Even after everything he did to me, I couldn't expel the feelings of love and concern that rattled through the barriers of my brain. I just couldn't believe that he could hurt me any more than he already has.
And now I am lost, broken.
One day out of the past 14 I made it through 24 hours without breaking down at least once. Not sad because he tried to kill himself, not sad because he said cruel things to me at the time. I'm sad because I've lost what I once considered to be my best friend in all the world.
And every morning when I wake, that's all I can think about. I miss hugging him and singing with him, I miss swimming, training and laughing with him. I miss the fact that he actually completely accepted me as a person, no matter what my flaws.
And I'm so, so sad that I deserved to be treated this way after everything.
So if anyone finds my other piece, please could they give it back?
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